Lady GaGa

I've decided I think she's like the coolest person in the world. Because I loved her shout out to the gays. And she is such a bad ass. FUCK THE HATERSSSSS!!!!!! :D

So I finally signed up for classes..

And everything was closed. I really couldn't take anything I wanted to take because everything is so fucked up with my credits. So I decided to just take simple things that I need to take. Like really boring things. But easy things. I'm taking Gay and Lesbian studies 2, Race and Ethnic Relations, Oral Expression, College Mathematics, and Culture, Race, and Media. I'm really excited though. Last semester I took all classes in my major, and I got to know a lot of music people, but really no one else. I'm really excited to have classes with other people and just be able to chill and study and get shit done. I feel like it's so much easier than doing stuff in my major, just because some times I fall so behind with it. I know this semester will be different though. Especially because after going home, I realize how to prioritize my life, and it's working a lot better for me. I'm excited for school to start. My birthday is the day before school starts. hm. my parents anniversary is today. i think im going to try to send them flowers to get delivered today so it looks like i remembered. but either way, they'll be shocked i did something. I need to go to bed. Matt just got up to go to the bathroom and im smokinga cig and he came over and talked to me and almost knocked down the tv. georgina is licking herself. goodnight.

-Liz

Honestly

The world would be a better place if there were less squares and rectangles and more circles. Like walls. They come together at 90 degree angles. And I just decided that I really dislike it, and when I have my own house it will be all circles. Circles are so much better. And I hate white walls. I want pink walls. And green. And blue and I wish my ceiling was painted like the sky. The corners of my room are really bothering me right now because at the parts where the 2 walls and ceiling come together its like one big 90 degree angle, and its pissing me off. I'm not even high.

These nights I get high just from breathing

I wonder if with age really does come wisdom? If anything, I feel more clueless than ever. I'm not sure what I'm looking for or where I'm going to find it, but I wish I could figure this out. My parents are now both not speaking to me because my mom asked where all my money went and I told her that for the 50th time I had to buy books for class, and then my dad told me to get the fuck out of the house. So now I'm just sitting here. Waiting until I have to leave for work. Yesterday at work everyone was making fun of me telling me they're surprised I'm smart enough to be in college. It makes me second guess my intelligence. Maybe I'm not as smart as I think I am. Maybe everyone else is right and I just need to open my eyes. Maybe I'm not meant to do anything great, just be another person working a 9-5, just living. I'm starting to think thats more of what I was born to do. I think that there are those people that are destined to do great things, and there are people that make differences in the world, but never really do anything great. I always thought I would do something really cool and do something with my life, do something awesome with music, where my heart is, but maybe I was just dreaming and I need to wake up.

maybe

coming back to ohio was a big mistake. maybe leaving in the first place was a bigger mistake. maybe all i do is make mistakes.

Ohio...

I thought it was going to be a lot of fun, seeing old friends, seeing my ex, working at taco bell with some close friends, kind of going back to last summer. I'm really liking it a lot, but I've realized there's a reason that I left. My ex is ignoring me, which is always fun, some of my friends have changed and are just kind of assholes now, and tbell is a pain in my ass, except for the people that work there. I can tell they truly care about me, but they are so full of drama I cant even handle it. My parents drive me crazy too. I would think it is common sense not to tell a lesbian that you think gay marriage shouldn't be legal, but then again, my parents lack common sense.

Andrew and I are about to go get a slushie and sit on milk crates and smoke some cigs. That's the one thing I do love about ohio. I wish my guitar wasn't in chicago though, I really wish I could jam while I was here :/ I wish I had money. I haven't smoked weed in 3 days. It's a new record!





I can hate your girl
I can tell you that she's really pretty
I can take my clothes off
I cannot fall in love
you'll never see my eyes
I will not call you back
I cannot do the smirf
I cannot fall in love
I'll never fall in love
I cannot fall in love

The great pooh adventure

Today I got high and went to the store to get ice cream. Hella good, I know. So I'm minding my own business, eating my chocolate chip cookie dough, and Matt screams at me "omg u need to come here and look at this turd!" so I run over and we start laughing at this little piece of poop in our toilet. We flushed our toilet like 5 times, and it just sat there in the same spot. But it wasn't like a big poop. It was a little poop. So we're like, bitch, bust out the plunger. So we get the sucker out and plunge the shit out of our toilet, flush it, and the pooh is still there. We flush it like 5 more times, and then I was like "Yo, put toilet paper in it to push it down!" So we put toilet paper in, flush it, poop goes down, along with toilet paper, and then the poop pops back up out of nowhere. So we're like fuck it. And its still in our toilet.


P.S. It's still a mystery as to where the poop came from.

Liquor, Ambien, Hoodia, Marijuana

I just opened an link for a catholic take on ambien and substance abuse, and i didnt type for like 5 minutes because i was waiting for the pope to direct my curser. I'm wastching the nanny and i feel like the window behind me is the tv, and the tv in front of me is the window and the reall jeffersons are outside of my window where a window isnt at haha

I also can't wait till my middle eastern studies claaas. It owns. I feel like my typing is a big truck that is trying to navagate through different parts of the city look at the streets.the words move and make it its not even, the streets arent real. We're all trying to fall down slow enough for you, but it keeps getting smaller i love the rain. but its taking you up and its making it rain. just go back, dont worry about me, just makesure you get back where you belong.

Our apartment is so cold. It's like 60 and the fan is blowing on me, and im in shorts and a hoodie, and its hela hot out, and i love it!

Colleen and I were just talking about how we feel like we're not meant to love. She was talking about her and her ex and what's going on wtih them, and as she was talking about it, and I thought about my previous relationships, and I've come to the realization that I probably am, A-sexual. Like seriously. Bitches over here. We talked about this shit alot, but like, the only people we ever like, or actually ok wtih having a relationship with, they're always the ones that either they dont want it, but you would die to have it. And its just the same situation.






]

Jenny Owen Youngs

Everything I touch turns to shit
Everyone I try to love won't hear of it
Now my hands are overfull of things I'd like to give
Does anybody want it?
Does anybody want it?
Does anybody want me?

I've been mapping it out
I don't know what's wrong with me
But I wish that it was something else
I've been mapping it out
Maybe you should find a girl who cares about herself

It's silence at the bottom of a bottle

I wonder if this is how I pay for the things I've broken carelessly
Nobody wants to step on it
I guess I just keep drinking

It's silence at the bottom of a bottle

The problem will find them
sooner or later you have to hit something.



Love that song. All of her songs are pretty amazing. I can't wait to see her next time she's in town!

All of my blogs are really depressing

I'm not sure why. I'm generally a fairly happy person.


But the point of this blog was for me to just get out the fact that I want to know what is so wrong with me. Can someone please tell me? Please. I want to know why I'm so fucked up. And that's not sarcasm. I'm really wondering why I am the most fucked up person in the world, all of the time.

Yep

I'm pretty sure Uganda is happening next summer.

I'll always love you, you'll always love me too, this love isn't good

unless it's me and you :)





So, today while I was walking to the el downtown i was stopped by 2 men named Mike and Marcus, who happen to be father and son and are homeless. I stopped and talked to them for a bit, gave them a cigarette, and went to walgreens and bought them toothpaste and a toothbrush, and Mike drew a picture of me while Marcus sang me a song. It was really cute and they were really nice guys, but I noticed that everyone walking down the street was looking at me like I was gross and disgusting. I was kind of confused, but didn't think anything of it. As I was leaving Marcus pulled me off to the side and told me that he sees me every day and asks me for change every day, and every day I either give him change, offer a cigarette, or smile at him and tell him I don't have anything, and he told me that the fact that I look at him like a human being and don't just look through him, means a lot to him and every time he sees me he smiles and realizes there are still good people in the world.

It makes me feel good knowing that someone in the world realizes that my intentions are good and I really have my heart in the right place, even though people never see it that way.



I think I need to restart thinking Uganda. At least for next summer.

-Liz

Uh

Today I got high before class, and i forgot my keys at home. So when class was out I came home and wanted to take a nap, and then realized I had 6 hours until matt got off work, so Jessica and I went to the park and smoked and watched softball games. it was super fun. And I didn't have a phone, so no one could contact me. I liked it. But then I got home and realized my new blackberry came in the mail today. so i'll have a phone tomorrow :/


I want to do something fun. I miss driving around in cars. I wish more people here drove and wanted to drive me around. That'd be hella fun. I also want to go skydiving, but no one will go with me.

I love Bonfire Madigan. I've been high all day just listening to some sweet acoustic music, with some crazy cello parts. I'm so excited Laura will be here next weekend. The city is driving me crazy. Nothing is going right, but I'm living :D I guess it's only a few months until everyone is back in the city for fall. I want to go home at some point this summer to go see the Cleveland Orchestra. I wish more of my friends enjoyed classical music. I really miss going to concerts like that. :/

It's such a nice day out

I want to have fun :)

Peanut Butter and Banana Sandwiches and Flying Kites

My best friend from high school, Laura, is coming to visit me in Chicago next weekend and I couldn't be happier. Out of everyone in the world she understands me better than anyone else. I swear we are the same person in two different bodies. It's weird though, because when ever I need advice I don't ask her anymore. Once we left for college, we haven't kept in touch very well, but we still have our moments where we call and talk about the crazy things we did. We just talked on the phone for a while, and I told her about this girl I like and she asked how I feel about her and I said that everyone else asks why I like her because she's not someone I would normally be attracted to, and the only thing I can say about it is that I know she's not normally what I'm attracted to, but when I look at her I see things that other people don't see and it's just an innocence that I haven't felt about anyone else, but my intentions have never been more pure. Laura and I ended up talking about it for a while and we were talking about the people we dated in high school and the bad relationships, and we were reading our old xangas about how we would walk up to people and say "im cute, your cute, lets go out" and people would always be like "cool ok! :)" and it always worked out. I wonder why I can't do that now. I wish I could let my guard down. The only way I can explain it is by lyrics from my favorite Kate Nash song,,

All the stars up in the sky, all the leaves in the trees, all that matters in the world is how much I like you. Birds can fly so high or they can shit on your head, yea they can almost fly into your eye and make you feel so scared, but when you look at them and see that they're beautiful, that's how I feel about you.


I wish I could just ask her out, and we could go to the beach and eat peanut butter and banana sandwiches and fly kites. Why am I such a dork? No one wants to go on a first date to the beach and fly a kite and eat peanut butter and banana sandwiches...

I use mouthwash, sometimes I floss.

Apparently when my dad and I talked last night and I told him everything that's been going on in my life, and he told me it's ok and he's proud of me, it was a lie. He just called me to tell me he doesn't want to buy me a new phone because he knows I put it in the washing machine on purpose so he'd have to buy me a new one.. He also told me he knows I like to make my mom cry. And if they decide to stop paying for school, he doesn't want me to come home, because I'm ruining our family. Then he proceeded to tell me that I'm not smart enough to do anything with my life and he should have known from the beginning to not expect anything out of me so that he wouldn't have been let down. He also asked how I have any friends here because all I do is screw people over, and he's surprised that people want to be around me and they don't realize that I'm the source of all the problems, and he knows I'll end up alone because no one can stand being around me. All of this started because I said I need to be back on my depression meds. I guess instead of taking something for depression, my dad thinks it will help to tell me everything that is wrong with me, so I'll change it on my own. Perfect.

On a lighter note, I think I'm going to go take a walk on the beach. I haven't been outside yet today, but I hope it's nice. I'm going to go smoke my *morning* cigarette, and shower and get all dressed up so I can forget about this. And I'll turn my phone off and pretend like everything is amazing and my life is perfect. Hm. I don't think it will work as well as I'm planning, but I can hope right?

My parents

Sometimes I hate them more than anything else in the world. But I know they love me, and they're the best parents I could ever have. It's time for some changes, and I'm not doing this for anyone else anymore. I'm doing this for me.

.

There have been times where I've hit rock bottom, and each time it just gets worse and worse. This gets old really fast. Something's going to need to change. I can't find a job, my parents wont talk to me, I don't have money for school anymore, and the rest of my family thinks I'm a joke. For once I'd like to be taken seriously. It seems everything I do is wrong and I keep running into dead ends. I just don't know where to go. Everything I do is always wrong and I always let people down. I'm sick of letting people down. I don't know why people waste their time on me. Eventually everyone will realize there are better people out there to be friends with, and I'll be alone, again. At least I won't be able to let anyone down except for myself. To be honest, there isn't much I could do that would let myself down anymore. I've just learned to accept my faults and I've become really good at apologizing to the others that I hurt in the process. I just wish for one moment that I could truly make someone happy. Just be something to someone. No one's stupid enough to let me get to them though. I just complicate things.

I hate chirping birds

when I'm trying to sleep. It's hella early, but I have HW to do. I feel shitty. I just want to sleep for the rest of my life.

First waxing experience

I had my first encounter with waxing today....

My roommate waxed my face and everything. Smooth as a babies butt. And then I did a brazilian. And I almost cried. But now I'm hair free and happy :)

We also did our laundry and it was ghetto as fuck, and we went to KMart and I got hella cheap v-necks.

And my phone is also broken now, because I accidently washed it with my laundry :/ FML. My dad wasn't super pissed about it though, so I hope it either works or I can get a free one. I really don't want to make him pay for a new one. I always feel shitty about asking for money, and I know he'll give it to me, I just feel bad. I can't wait until the day when I'm financially independent and don't have to rely on anyone. Unfortunatly that won't be fore a while :/

I still have homework due for my class in 9 hours. I'm really not sure what it is either :/

My upper lip hurts. It's all red and puffy. I hope I don't look weird tomorrow with a puffy face. lol.

-Liz

...

I wanted to mean everything to you, but this isn't right. You keep coming back disassembled and I keep loosing this fight.

Everyone around me says that I'm the cause of all their crying, and when they're drunk I pour the wine.

I've been listening to Emery all day, and loving it. I want to dance. My roommates and I all just had a really intense talk about how we get bored and depressed with the city sometimes. I want something to excite me. My mom called me today to tell me that people are shit and I should start growing Rosemary. haha. I'm not sure what got into her today, but she was full of "wisdom." I love my mom. Lately I really don't think that anyone cares anymore. I think I'm just in this alone. I'm not looking forward to Christmas. Sometimes I feel really alone and think that things are different now and they'll never be the same, and I'm ok with that. But then sometimes my family just pulls me back in and treats me like nothing's happened, and everything is ok. I understand I'm on my own. People don't need to pretend like everything is ok when it's not. I'm an adult, I can handle it. I understand that out of everyone in my family I'm the one that nothing is expected out of. They treat me like I'm stupid, like I don't understand they're making fun of me to my face. It's been like that my whole life. I've always been treated differently because I wasn't as smart as everyone else, or instead of being into science and math, I was into music. So what if instead of studying like my cousins I was out partying and making stupid desicions? I've learned from my fucking mistakes, and I'm a stronger person because of that. I don't think they know I remember every situation that they have ever said anything about me, and I don't forget. I hear every word. I don't just hear them, I actually LISTEN. I just think it's funny because everyone in my family thinks I care. They think I don't realize they treat me differently. I'm not blind. I'm not stupid. And quite frankly I don't care. But then again, I just wrote a lot about that, so maybe I do care? I just don't care about caring anymore. My emotions are used up. I'm emotionless. No heart, no feelings, no opinions. Just me.

Ohhh dreams....

So I always have O.K. dreams, nothing special. But I just woke up from the craziest dream ever. I'm in such a great mood now.

In my dream I was talking to the girl that I like and I finally was just like "Do you want to go out?" and she was like "yea :)" so we went to Cedar Point (remember it's a dream), and we were having a great time, and it was awesome, and while we were there we were listening to the radio (remember, still a dream haha) and Britney Spears was on the radio, so I called in and got through, and she was like "our radio show is over so this won't be on air, but we can talk if you want" and I was like cool! So we were talking and Brit asked where I was from and I told her Ohio, and she told me that if I drove down to Louisiana for her concert, she'd give me backstage passes and then she added me on facebook and told me that she wanted to spend the rest of her life with me. And then I woke up with a huge smile on my face, and I'm listening to Circus, haha. What a lovely dream.

I kind of want to know what it means though. Does that mean that I don't like that girl as much as I think I do? Or does it mean that I'm obsessed with Britney Spears? Because honestly she's not at the top of my list. Kind of random.

Now I'm going out for my morning cigarette and wishing I had something fun and exciting to do today.

Every drawing that I drew was never ever as cute as you

"I've been assuming everything
Hoping you'll soon mean everything
I've gotta stay calm, I want this to be real
I don't think you're into me
And truly that's okay with me
I've gotta stay calm and find out how you feel

If you wanna say "I like you"
I might feel just like you
If you choosee not to
I knew you would

Sometimes I think I am out of my league
And then sometimes I think I can dream
Sometimes I wish I could be the one fish
That you choose out of all in the sea"



^Story of my life. :/




The city is boring me lately. It's summer and it's supposed to be fun and there's supposed to be so much going on, but there's not. Sure there's always the parties, but that gets kind of old. I want to do something really cool. Like skydiving. That'd be awesome. I've felt very 'blah' lately. I need something to pick me up and grab my attention. Maybe it's the depression? Maybe it's because I'm a boring person? I'm really not sure, but I have the apartment to myself today, and I'm pretty sure that means I will be laying on the couch all day watching movies :)

so

i think that sometimes people have something that they look at needing to do in a day, but you dont know who you really are. im happy that i know who i am, and i think that i can look at life alot easier knowing that i dont need to search for that. the letters are spinning and moving in and out and keep calling me. the windows on the hilton are so crazy. they're swirling in and out and moving up and down and in and out and everything is wavy and breathing. i love life.f

The consonants and vowels

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P8Twt47iNAo&feature=related


Sometimes I listen to songs and think about moments in life that would fit to the sound if it was in a soundtrack of my life.

I remember when I was little I used to have hundreds of little plastic dinosaurs, jungle animals, and just different fish and things, and I would spend all day lining these animals around my kitchen from smallest to largest. And then as soon as the hundreds were set up, I would leave them till after dinner, and just take them down. Then do it again next week, or whenever again the mood struck me.

Or the days when one of my biggest annoyances was when I couldn't wear my rollerblades inside. While my parents were at work I would always just do it anyways, because I didn't want to take them off just to go in and get a cup of water. I always thought I was clever, but parents always know. They know about everything. Because they already tried to do it with their parents.

I was always convinced when I grew up I was never going to go to college. I've always not been able to stay still long enough to pay attention and stay somewhere. Which is why living in the same town for 18 years was so good for me. I learned to have to deal with things even if I can't handle them. I love it here more than anything, but I'm always looking for something new. College is awesome and I love it, and I know I want to finish college, but I need something else going on. I need to always have something new going on. And I think this is a good time for something new to possibly start.

There's never an end to anything. Its just a new beginning with new opportunities, and that thrills me. Knowing that nothing is ever over and I can do whatever I want whenever I want. I love it. I want to do everything. I'm feeling so optimistic. I wish I could just study so then maybe I could make plans with someone and actually do something today. Haha. Who cares if I don't even get dressed today?? I just woke up 3 hours ago. I don't have to get dressed if I don't want to. Fuck it. I'm an adult. I don't have to get dressed and look nice for anyone. I'm sitting here in a white t and sweat pants and I'm going to eat cereal and ice cream for dinner. And it's going to be awesome. And I'm going to watch the secret world of alex mac. And wish that I was a puddle that could go around the city.

I fucking love life. Thank you.


-Liz

All the pieces fit together

Sometimes all the pieces just fit together and make sense.

It all just makes so much sense, each odd part just completing the puzzle, and everything just fitting so snug that you look back and can't believe you completed it.

Each bump along the way just adds to the ride and makes it more of an adventure. Life is about the chase, I've decided, and each "broken heart" along the way or "lost crush" is what makes up the marvelous part of love.

I know I repeat a lot of things, but sometimes I can't believe how awesome and put together this world is. Each person having they're own little role and playing their own part makes up this beautiful picture that has no reason to make sense, but somehow just completes everything.

I think of all the bad times I've gone through and how sometimes life can just seem so pointless and almost depressing, but then it's these awesome times like this that make me realize the human mind is an amazing thing and so powerful and useful and wonderful that it can explore such amazing theory's and grasp these concepts that have no reason to be. But everything has a purpose, whether it's the answer your looking for or not, everything makes us and our ideas and to be given the opportunity to be a person that is born with nothing to really hold us back and just let our minds wonder and explore the vast universe is just such an amazing concept that I want to grasp it and hold onto it and learn so much more about it that words can't even express what I feel.

Peoples emotions, natural reactions, behavior, qualities, morals, facial expressions, manorisms, are just so interesting to me. The human mind is so complex and so many things create the uniqueness of who you are now. All of us being over 18 are now considered "adults" and just knowing that this is your mind, this is who you are, this is what you're given and this is the hand you have to play is so amazing. It's all one big challenge and experince. You play the wrong card and you learn from your mistakes and try and count the cards, but as we all know, that isn't 100% efficient, and sometimes you make mistakes, loose all your chips, and have to start over fresh. You may already be in the hole and figure if you loose it all again it was just a waste of time, but being given the second chance and being able to give it another try and just go for it is all I want.

Some countries and religions or cultures don't respect the individual mind. You are what society decides you are and you aren't expected or influenced to expand your mind and beliefs and experience what other cultures may believe is "normal". I just can't grasp the fact that I have been brought up in such a great country and been encouraged to follow my heart and not my head.

This is totally just me rambling and probably makes no sense. That is probably why I should chill out on the partying a little. lol. I just love social situates, peoples personalities, and just everything that makes up our little awkward world and adds spice to it all. Every day is different, a new breath of fresh air, and is just another day that we can be reminded of what a great society we've been given the opportunity to live in.

Still confused.

I'm still confused as to why I keep setting myself up for failure. Why do I pick the person I can't have? I still feel like I have a chance. But I know deep down it will never work out. Even if I'm given a shot. It's just not meant to be. So why can't I just find the one? Why do you have to be so perfect but yet so unobtainable?

I just question why I talk to my close friends about this and they say "oh it will pass.. just find someone else." I don't want someone else. I want you. All of you. Everything. The good and the bad. Why do I have to feel this way for someone I knew from the beginning it would never work out. I knew that it would never work out. Why did I even try? For the chase. The chase is what it's all about. But after a while the chase gets old and I don't want to be in it for that anymore. Why can't two opposites attract? I know opposites attract!! So, why can't opposites attract in this case?

I look at things from my point of view and see how everything is so perfect and if everything fell into place it would just work out so perfectly and everyone would end up happy. But then I step back and look at it and deep down I know that the pieces never fall where they're supposed to. Everything can change in a moment and you can't plan on anything. So why do I keep banking on the fact that everything will fall PERFECTLY where I want it too? Nothing is perfect, and after 18 years of life I should realize this and know better than betting on all my chips on one thing is stupid and just a waste of time, but I guess I just never learn from my mistakes, which just happens to be one of my faults. But I'm just too impulsive and think with my heart instead of with my head.

I know what I feel. And I know that people can look in from the outside and say what I'm feeling is something else, and deep down I know that I'll get over it, but why can't I get over it right now? Why does it mean the world to me right now? I totally understand what I'm feeling, but WHY CAN'T I HAVE IT???


I guess in the end I know that all of this will make sense and everything will have a reason for me and every broken piece along the way will make me see the whole picture, but as of right now, it fucking sucks, and I don't want to have to wait. I never want to wait. I want what I want, and I want it right now. But I know that in the end it will all make sense, and every broken heart I've had along the way will make me realize how amazing my life is once all the pieces are put together.

I don't know what I'm feeling. No one ever knows what they're feeling. Even though I am SO SURE of what I am feeling right now, I know it will change. But I know eventually what I'm feeling will be true, and I can only put my faith in the good lord that something/someone will help me out along the way and help me onto the right path and guide me down the right path.

Intro

Well, My name is Liz Schmidt, and I'm from Hudson, Ohio, which is about 45 minutes south of Cleveland. I've lived in Hudson my whole life which I think is a good thing and also a bad thing. I love to hang out with friends, listen to music, and pretty much anything else that an average teenager does. I play bass, guitar, piano, and tuba.
I'm a fun and outgoing person and just love to have a good time.

2 truths and a lie.
I have "love" tattood on my lip.
My favorite book is The Catcher In The Rye.
I love the cold.

Thinking too much...

Sometimes I convince myself I'm in love.. I am in love though.. But love isn't real.... ugggghhh I LOVE IT <3 :)

Sometimes I don't understand things like this.

Sometimes I think about how we find the one that we're supposed to "fall in love" with. Do we know when they're "the one"? How do we know? Is there more than one person? How can someone have as strong as feelings as they do, but yet, the other look at them and not feel one thing. I also wonder about how sometimes we can know a person inside out and feel nothing, but yet meet someone just for but a moment but feel the world. What is that feeling called? Is that lust? Or is it love at first site? Is love real? Or is it just a feeling that we trick ourselves into thinking is there?

After thinking I know myself and know what I want, and then realizing that I don't know myself at all and am not sure of anything anymore, I get a little hesitant as to which path to take. Do I walk where it's already been paved? Or do I start fresh in a new direction and look back and glance, but not dwell on it? Or is everything just a slight variation of a path that we have already taken?

Sometimes I think everyone else has the answers and it's all about trying to find the answers. But then I step back and look at it from a distance and then realize that the answers really aren't what I'm looking for. The answers could matter less to me if the trip I take to find the answers isn't worth it. Is there ever a point in life that you know you're on the right track, or are you just expected to find the way on your own?

I guess this is where religion comes in for me, which has always been something sketchy for me. I know what I think, but I don't know what I truly believe. There's a difference between thinking something is the way it is, and then actually basing beliefs on it and trusting that is a reason why you are the way you are today. I guess I think something/someone has guided me this far and is kind of keeping me on a leash, but I don't think the leash is short at all. I think it gives me room to make mistakes and learn from those mistakes.

To be honest, I have no idea why I'm writing this. I don't think this rant has a point. There will never be any concrete answers to the questions I'm asking. All I can really say is that life is awesome sometimes and I think it's great to be dealt such a great hand.