Still confused.

I'm still confused as to why I keep setting myself up for failure. Why do I pick the person I can't have? I still feel like I have a chance. But I know deep down it will never work out. Even if I'm given a shot. It's just not meant to be. So why can't I just find the one? Why do you have to be so perfect but yet so unobtainable?

I just question why I talk to my close friends about this and they say "oh it will pass.. just find someone else." I don't want someone else. I want you. All of you. Everything. The good and the bad. Why do I have to feel this way for someone I knew from the beginning it would never work out. I knew that it would never work out. Why did I even try? For the chase. The chase is what it's all about. But after a while the chase gets old and I don't want to be in it for that anymore. Why can't two opposites attract? I know opposites attract!! So, why can't opposites attract in this case?

I look at things from my point of view and see how everything is so perfect and if everything fell into place it would just work out so perfectly and everyone would end up happy. But then I step back and look at it and deep down I know that the pieces never fall where they're supposed to. Everything can change in a moment and you can't plan on anything. So why do I keep banking on the fact that everything will fall PERFECTLY where I want it too? Nothing is perfect, and after 18 years of life I should realize this and know better than betting on all my chips on one thing is stupid and just a waste of time, but I guess I just never learn from my mistakes, which just happens to be one of my faults. But I'm just too impulsive and think with my heart instead of with my head.

I know what I feel. And I know that people can look in from the outside and say what I'm feeling is something else, and deep down I know that I'll get over it, but why can't I get over it right now? Why does it mean the world to me right now? I totally understand what I'm feeling, but WHY CAN'T I HAVE IT???


I guess in the end I know that all of this will make sense and everything will have a reason for me and every broken piece along the way will make me see the whole picture, but as of right now, it fucking sucks, and I don't want to have to wait. I never want to wait. I want what I want, and I want it right now. But I know that in the end it will all make sense, and every broken heart I've had along the way will make me realize how amazing my life is once all the pieces are put together.

I don't know what I'm feeling. No one ever knows what they're feeling. Even though I am SO SURE of what I am feeling right now, I know it will change. But I know eventually what I'm feeling will be true, and I can only put my faith in the good lord that something/someone will help me out along the way and help me onto the right path and guide me down the right path.