Everyone around me says that I'm the cause of all their crying, and when they're drunk I pour the wine.

I've been listening to Emery all day, and loving it. I want to dance. My roommates and I all just had a really intense talk about how we get bored and depressed with the city sometimes. I want something to excite me. My mom called me today to tell me that people are shit and I should start growing Rosemary. haha. I'm not sure what got into her today, but she was full of "wisdom." I love my mom. Lately I really don't think that anyone cares anymore. I think I'm just in this alone. I'm not looking forward to Christmas. Sometimes I feel really alone and think that things are different now and they'll never be the same, and I'm ok with that. But then sometimes my family just pulls me back in and treats me like nothing's happened, and everything is ok. I understand I'm on my own. People don't need to pretend like everything is ok when it's not. I'm an adult, I can handle it. I understand that out of everyone in my family I'm the one that nothing is expected out of. They treat me like I'm stupid, like I don't understand they're making fun of me to my face. It's been like that my whole life. I've always been treated differently because I wasn't as smart as everyone else, or instead of being into science and math, I was into music. So what if instead of studying like my cousins I was out partying and making stupid desicions? I've learned from my fucking mistakes, and I'm a stronger person because of that. I don't think they know I remember every situation that they have ever said anything about me, and I don't forget. I hear every word. I don't just hear them, I actually LISTEN. I just think it's funny because everyone in my family thinks I care. They think I don't realize they treat me differently. I'm not blind. I'm not stupid. And quite frankly I don't care. But then again, I just wrote a lot about that, so maybe I do care? I just don't care about caring anymore. My emotions are used up. I'm emotionless. No heart, no feelings, no opinions. Just me.