Liquor, Ambien, Hoodia, Marijuana

I just opened an link for a catholic take on ambien and substance abuse, and i didnt type for like 5 minutes because i was waiting for the pope to direct my curser. I'm wastching the nanny and i feel like the window behind me is the tv, and the tv in front of me is the window and the reall jeffersons are outside of my window where a window isnt at haha

I also can't wait till my middle eastern studies claaas. It owns. I feel like my typing is a big truck that is trying to navagate through different parts of the city look at the streets.the words move and make it its not even, the streets arent real. We're all trying to fall down slow enough for you, but it keeps getting smaller i love the rain. but its taking you up and its making it rain. just go back, dont worry about me, just makesure you get back where you belong.

Our apartment is so cold. It's like 60 and the fan is blowing on me, and im in shorts and a hoodie, and its hela hot out, and i love it!

Colleen and I were just talking about how we feel like we're not meant to love. She was talking about her and her ex and what's going on wtih them, and as she was talking about it, and I thought about my previous relationships, and I've come to the realization that I probably am, A-sexual. Like seriously. Bitches over here. We talked about this shit alot, but like, the only people we ever like, or actually ok wtih having a relationship with, they're always the ones that either they dont want it, but you would die to have it. And its just the same situation.






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Jenny Owen Youngs

Everything I touch turns to shit
Everyone I try to love won't hear of it
Now my hands are overfull of things I'd like to give
Does anybody want it?
Does anybody want it?
Does anybody want me?

I've been mapping it out
I don't know what's wrong with me
But I wish that it was something else
I've been mapping it out
Maybe you should find a girl who cares about herself

It's silence at the bottom of a bottle

I wonder if this is how I pay for the things I've broken carelessly
Nobody wants to step on it
I guess I just keep drinking

It's silence at the bottom of a bottle

The problem will find them
sooner or later you have to hit something.



Love that song. All of her songs are pretty amazing. I can't wait to see her next time she's in town!

All of my blogs are really depressing

I'm not sure why. I'm generally a fairly happy person.


But the point of this blog was for me to just get out the fact that I want to know what is so wrong with me. Can someone please tell me? Please. I want to know why I'm so fucked up. And that's not sarcasm. I'm really wondering why I am the most fucked up person in the world, all of the time.

Yep

I'm pretty sure Uganda is happening next summer.

I'll always love you, you'll always love me too, this love isn't good

unless it's me and you :)





So, today while I was walking to the el downtown i was stopped by 2 men named Mike and Marcus, who happen to be father and son and are homeless. I stopped and talked to them for a bit, gave them a cigarette, and went to walgreens and bought them toothpaste and a toothbrush, and Mike drew a picture of me while Marcus sang me a song. It was really cute and they were really nice guys, but I noticed that everyone walking down the street was looking at me like I was gross and disgusting. I was kind of confused, but didn't think anything of it. As I was leaving Marcus pulled me off to the side and told me that he sees me every day and asks me for change every day, and every day I either give him change, offer a cigarette, or smile at him and tell him I don't have anything, and he told me that the fact that I look at him like a human being and don't just look through him, means a lot to him and every time he sees me he smiles and realizes there are still good people in the world.

It makes me feel good knowing that someone in the world realizes that my intentions are good and I really have my heart in the right place, even though people never see it that way.



I think I need to restart thinking Uganda. At least for next summer.

-Liz

Uh

Today I got high before class, and i forgot my keys at home. So when class was out I came home and wanted to take a nap, and then realized I had 6 hours until matt got off work, so Jessica and I went to the park and smoked and watched softball games. it was super fun. And I didn't have a phone, so no one could contact me. I liked it. But then I got home and realized my new blackberry came in the mail today. so i'll have a phone tomorrow :/


I want to do something fun. I miss driving around in cars. I wish more people here drove and wanted to drive me around. That'd be hella fun. I also want to go skydiving, but no one will go with me.

I love Bonfire Madigan. I've been high all day just listening to some sweet acoustic music, with some crazy cello parts. I'm so excited Laura will be here next weekend. The city is driving me crazy. Nothing is going right, but I'm living :D I guess it's only a few months until everyone is back in the city for fall. I want to go home at some point this summer to go see the Cleveland Orchestra. I wish more of my friends enjoyed classical music. I really miss going to concerts like that. :/

It's such a nice day out

I want to have fun :)

Peanut Butter and Banana Sandwiches and Flying Kites

My best friend from high school, Laura, is coming to visit me in Chicago next weekend and I couldn't be happier. Out of everyone in the world she understands me better than anyone else. I swear we are the same person in two different bodies. It's weird though, because when ever I need advice I don't ask her anymore. Once we left for college, we haven't kept in touch very well, but we still have our moments where we call and talk about the crazy things we did. We just talked on the phone for a while, and I told her about this girl I like and she asked how I feel about her and I said that everyone else asks why I like her because she's not someone I would normally be attracted to, and the only thing I can say about it is that I know she's not normally what I'm attracted to, but when I look at her I see things that other people don't see and it's just an innocence that I haven't felt about anyone else, but my intentions have never been more pure. Laura and I ended up talking about it for a while and we were talking about the people we dated in high school and the bad relationships, and we were reading our old xangas about how we would walk up to people and say "im cute, your cute, lets go out" and people would always be like "cool ok! :)" and it always worked out. I wonder why I can't do that now. I wish I could let my guard down. The only way I can explain it is by lyrics from my favorite Kate Nash song,,

All the stars up in the sky, all the leaves in the trees, all that matters in the world is how much I like you. Birds can fly so high or they can shit on your head, yea they can almost fly into your eye and make you feel so scared, but when you look at them and see that they're beautiful, that's how I feel about you.


I wish I could just ask her out, and we could go to the beach and eat peanut butter and banana sandwiches and fly kites. Why am I such a dork? No one wants to go on a first date to the beach and fly a kite and eat peanut butter and banana sandwiches...

I use mouthwash, sometimes I floss.

Apparently when my dad and I talked last night and I told him everything that's been going on in my life, and he told me it's ok and he's proud of me, it was a lie. He just called me to tell me he doesn't want to buy me a new phone because he knows I put it in the washing machine on purpose so he'd have to buy me a new one.. He also told me he knows I like to make my mom cry. And if they decide to stop paying for school, he doesn't want me to come home, because I'm ruining our family. Then he proceeded to tell me that I'm not smart enough to do anything with my life and he should have known from the beginning to not expect anything out of me so that he wouldn't have been let down. He also asked how I have any friends here because all I do is screw people over, and he's surprised that people want to be around me and they don't realize that I'm the source of all the problems, and he knows I'll end up alone because no one can stand being around me. All of this started because I said I need to be back on my depression meds. I guess instead of taking something for depression, my dad thinks it will help to tell me everything that is wrong with me, so I'll change it on my own. Perfect.

On a lighter note, I think I'm going to go take a walk on the beach. I haven't been outside yet today, but I hope it's nice. I'm going to go smoke my *morning* cigarette, and shower and get all dressed up so I can forget about this. And I'll turn my phone off and pretend like everything is amazing and my life is perfect. Hm. I don't think it will work as well as I'm planning, but I can hope right?

My parents

Sometimes I hate them more than anything else in the world. But I know they love me, and they're the best parents I could ever have. It's time for some changes, and I'm not doing this for anyone else anymore. I'm doing this for me.

.

There have been times where I've hit rock bottom, and each time it just gets worse and worse. This gets old really fast. Something's going to need to change. I can't find a job, my parents wont talk to me, I don't have money for school anymore, and the rest of my family thinks I'm a joke. For once I'd like to be taken seriously. It seems everything I do is wrong and I keep running into dead ends. I just don't know where to go. Everything I do is always wrong and I always let people down. I'm sick of letting people down. I don't know why people waste their time on me. Eventually everyone will realize there are better people out there to be friends with, and I'll be alone, again. At least I won't be able to let anyone down except for myself. To be honest, there isn't much I could do that would let myself down anymore. I've just learned to accept my faults and I've become really good at apologizing to the others that I hurt in the process. I just wish for one moment that I could truly make someone happy. Just be something to someone. No one's stupid enough to let me get to them though. I just complicate things.

I hate chirping birds

when I'm trying to sleep. It's hella early, but I have HW to do. I feel shitty. I just want to sleep for the rest of my life.